this chapter is written from anneke's point of view.*
I was only 17 years old when, after the Darkstrom started to try to take over Germany and, in particular, beloved Düsseldorf, Elibeth, Rekah and I fought against a handful of troopers. When all was said and done, however, I was near death, and so was Rekah, because she used up almost all of her life force to fix me. I was scared more for the younger of us, because she didn't deserve to die at age 12. No way. Not the way she looked out for Johanne.
As the one always prepared for anything, I had always looked out for the girls. Elibeth was my best friend since childhood, Johannes was her sister and Rekah their neighbor. All our lives we'd known each other, grown to love each other as sisters. We were our own family. It was very nice for the most part. If not for the Darkstrom it would've been nicer, but such is life and so it goes.
In Lisbon we were treated all the same as everyone else, except for Johannes. She was given the okay to simply wander about. She was blind; "she was born blind and she'll die blind" the officers would scoff. But she ignored them. She only wanted the future of Eastern Europe to be filled with freedom, not fear--light, not darkness. She possessed the gift of eternal hope in the face of eternal chaos. That was how Elibeth and Rekah and I, we loved her dearly. We held on with that hope she instilled in all of us.
And then... I met Karl. And then I began to change.
For the first time, I felt a sense of whim that never existed before. In my very soul was the sense that, perhaps I didn't need to take caution around men. In my heart there was a case of skipping beats; I had let my guard down, I had dropped my defenses.
For the first time in my life, I fell in love.
I wasn't really sure of myself for a while. Karl was the only person I felt I could be myself around, besides Elibeth, and he'd be alright with it. We loved our cameras and took so many pictures; then, after developing them and putting them into scrapbooks, we'd show them all to everyone and save them for the day Johannes would get her sight, so she could see them too.
All was well until Venice. And then the courage came to confess my love for him, but I was very scared, because of what Rekah had suffered at the hands of men. But Karl... sweet, sweet angel that overtakes my senses and turns a grown woman into a cheerful child! What had he done to me, God above only knows. But he was the only person outside of the Quartet to love me for who I was. And my feelings for him were mutual.
After all that we've been through, one would've hoped that, in effect, we'd always be together. But on that final fight on the Trans-Europa, in which we basically annihilated the enemy forces, Karl had been wounded to the point where, Rekah couldn't save any of our Roboter for some ungodly reason, and basically the fear of death was in.
I quietly witnessed Johannes crying herself to sleep, Rekah and Elibeth leaving me to cry over the men they had come to love so selflessly. Realizing that, maybe Karl would appreciate it if I said one last Guten nacht to him, I left Johannes sleeping and went to his room. I swear, I should've just died the second I entered the room, because the room had an air as cold and still as death itself. Or perhaps when I saw his lifeless body? Not sure for certain.
Lamentations over the city, joyful since their beloved Quartet was home.
Lamentations over the dead, sleeping and waiting for love to arrive along.
I had slashed my scar open, the first time I saw it bleed in almost 10 years. I had no fear, no sense of pain. It just... it just didn't matter anymore. Life had no meaning for me. To go on living, knowing that the one person that I ever loved, selfelessly and with willing lack of resistance, had died... it was not possible for me. It wasn't worth the pain, the aggrevation, the humiliation. Nothing had meaning, everything became nothing.
Closing my eyes, I simply awaited death. All because I loved someone too much to stay in this world. I'd give all my soul just to stay with him no matter what.
...one flaw though. Death didn't happen.
Lost in some dream... someone holding me, adorning my miserably-spent body with kisses... it felt so real. In my dream, it was Karl. But, it felt so real... perhaps, past real. I felt as if this wasn't meant to happen and yet, how the hell did it go? I could've sworn I was holding on to something--whether it was the blanket, his shirt, his pants, or my skirt, I had no clue. In any case, it was very unusual yet... something unexpected and, perhaps, a bit nice.
But not since the night in Venice had anyone held me this way. And definitely not before, either. No one had dared to love someone who played positive practical jokes from time to time, let alone prepared for almost anything. But... this was too different somehow. I was never prepared for something called falling in love.
A fingertip gently tapped along the scar, it felt as if it was a gentle needle sewing the wound shut. The warmth of his finger... the warmth of the one who was holding me... it felt like Karl. And no one else I knew had the courage to tend to the past's scars I wore. Yet... here I was, sleeping in some sense of death, or so it felt, and someone was trying to save me. But... why? I had no intention of living anymore!! I didn't want to have to suffer the tears in the past all over again!! I didn't want to live this life alone!!
And then, a whisper, the voice familiar to me--
"Anya... Anya, wake up..."
But I don't want to wake up from this! I thought, and as the thought escaped my lips I swore to myself in my heart that, damnit I'd gone mad! But a hand held my neck gently and I was being kissed along that scar. The kisses... familiar to me...
"Anya please... open your eyes..."
But... I don't want to...
"Why not?"
...because I'm scared that... when I open them... if I open them... I'll be alive, the one I love will still be dead, and I'll have to face the world... alone...
"No... that's not so. You... you won't face this world alone."
I think I hesitated for a moment. Alright, should I open my eyes?
...I'm... afraid.
"Don't be. Don't ever be afraid, Anya."
--suddenly it dawned on me, no one else had ever called me Anya. I finally gave in to fear and, hoping past hope, opened my eyes to see my hands clutching the blanket. I was still crying, I thought I had died, only to realize I was still alive, but it all pulled together for me the moment I turned my eyes to look up at a face, so sweet, so familiar, who smiled at me with eyes of love.
It was my beloved Karl. And he was alive.
...well, a bit scarred, but still adorable. And did I mention he was alive?
"You're... alive?" I asked in a dazed whisper.
He nodded. "And I'm not going anywhere without you. Even if it was to the gates of death I'd gladly follow."
I gently ran my finger along where my scar was, and felt the light stitching. "Did you do this?"
"Yes" he answered. "I couldn't bear to see the blood spilling from the one I'd give my life for."
"I... thought you'd died... so I wanted to die... just so I could be with you" I confessed. "I didn't want to face this world alone."
"And I won't let you face this world alone, angel" he told me. "Wherever you go, I gladly follow, because I love you."
I looked into his eyes for a moment, and there dwelled the promise of our future together. But I had one moment of doubt, which led me to ask--"Are we alive and well then...?"
Karl grinned. "Alive and breathing, with beating hearts and happy souls. Or at least on my part. I don't know about the happy soul part on your end."
I giggled for the first time since before Athens. It felt so good to smile again, but even better to know that we were both alive, we were breathing, we were alright. With that I hugged him tightly to me... and then, my heart was overwhelmed. It was as if... as if nothing else mattered except for one moment against the current of time, the rush of the outside world. It didn't matter to either of us. Only we mattered to each other.
Recalling what happened after this is nothing short of one helluva blur. I remember everything--every touch, every embrace, every kiss. But it felt so strange, that of all the memories in my journey home from Lisbon, this was the one memory that meant so much more to me than the night in Venice... even though that memory would always be a part of me. Well, both me and Karl's memories. Definitely. But anyway... trying to recall... it felt so strange. It felt like a dream, but I knew we were alive.
The braids were undone, the ribbons aside, more kisses to adorn that exhausted woman-child that was me. I held Karl to me tightly and blinked my eyes in sudden alarm--and I swear, how on earth I let this slide I have NO CLUE whatsoever!--Karl had no shirt on! This had surprised me even more than the incident in Venice. But nonetheless he was shirtless, and as I looked at him, he had not simply become adorable in my eyes anymore--he was, perhaps, beautiful. In spite of the few bullet wounds and glass cuts, he truly was beautiful in my eyes.
The next thing I knew, buttons from my coat were undone, bittersweet kisses adorned my body that had scars of past battles that I'd fought on my sisters' behalf. So help me God, this put the night we spent in Venice to absolute shame. Yet... I willingly was powerless to stop it. It showed as I quickly sat up and, in doing so got my arms freed from the coatsleeves. Perhaps I'd be less bold, less nervingly brave to do that.
On second thought, nah.
But he straddled me on my lap and held my face in his hands, kissed my lips and confessed his heart inbetween the kisses, to which I'll never forget the words he said, that I'd always be his only angel--his only love. I couldn't speak a word in reply, as words failed me altogether, and all I could do was plant kisses along his torso, along the wounds that had almost taken him away from me. After a moment of this sort of gentle torture he carefully lied me back down on the bed and kissed me as if he'd never see me again. Then he broke the kiss and, in a near whisper, told me something that I'd tattoo in my heart for ever if I wanted to--
"My dearest Anya, my angel... my rightful possession."
All I could do was speak what my heart felt at that moment. "My beloved... my little heaven against the hell of the outside world."
I don't know if it was his heart or my words that caused whatever happened afterwards, but we held each other tightly for a moment. It felt so good to be in his arms, to simply hold him again, to bask in the warmth of his love. It was surreal. It still feels surreal.
Then, somehow, I felt this strange warmth in my very soul, deep inside of me... it wasn't there before. But it was there, and it was welcomed there, whatever that warmth was. Somehow, for once in my life, my heart was full, my spirit was whole. It was... entirely strange yet... very, very nice.
There wasn't much else to note except the feeling surged deeper into the very depths of my being. I couldn't quite figure out what all went on at first, but my thoughts quickly rationalized itself as I noted that, beneath the blanket that covered us, I couldn't really see past my skirt's waistband what all happened as our legs intertwined. Somehow I thought amusingly he'd either painlessly breached the maidenhead or I just didn't feel an ounce of pain and it's all his fault! ...well, in a good way of course, 'cause this does feel kinda nice...
Really, it was MORE than nice.
I'll never really figure out how we'd synchronized our breathing... our own heartbeats to each other, simply in the process of fully drowning in each other's love. But he was careful, yet he loved me dearly, not slowing yet not rushing either. I took his face in my hands and brought it to mine so I could kiss him right on the mouth--well, it was either that or I'd end up crying out in untold bliss!! Preferably, I think I'd prefer keeping silent. Obviously, so did Karl, because he kissed me as if I truly was his possession, his only angel.
I felt him clasp my hands tightly and placing them behind my head. He stopped kissing me and looked at me for a moment, a smile on his adorable face.
"My Anya" he whispered, "my angel, my princess."
For a moment my memory returned to Venice, where he'd called me the exact same names. My heart felt strangely warm in opposed to the chill in the room that was still there, but I never felt it. I couldn't... not while the man I loved was here with me, overtaking all of me, and gladly so.
Another kiss along my scar and he resumed making love to me at the pace he'd been at. I quickly snapped my wrists free of his hands and held him to me, wishing he'd not cease the kiss this time around. A while would've gladly passed until, the next thing I knew, I found myself lightly biting Karl's lip as a surge flooded my entire being, and finally his name escaped my lips in a hushed whisper as I held him even tighter, my senses in overdrive yet my mind rendered numb. He too whispered my name as, so it seems, he'd felt that same surge overcome him, and he held onto me for dear life. I swear, I'd never felt anything like that before... it was so... well... damn... I can't really put it into words.
As morning took its course and the sun peeked through the blinds, I opened my eyes again. We'd fallen asleep in each other's arms, tightly, wrapped with only a blanket to help keep us warm in the chilly room. I was still on my back, Karl on top, resting his head beside mine on the pillow as our hearts were beating against each other. Except, I couldn't figure out whose heart was beating, if it was mine or his. And I quietly told him this.
He simply opened his sleepy eyes and smiled. "It's neither yours or mine" he answered. "Not yours nor mine, but our heart beating." He then kissed my forehead and whispered, "And not the chaos of the world or the madness of the Darkstrom can ever take that away from us. Ever."
My heart was filled with emotion, and I hugged him tightly to me, the words I wanted to say finally escaping me. But I guess it became more of a show of humility, that I truly could not make it through this world alone, that I needed him more than I thought.
"Please... stay with me?" I asked humbly.
"However long my angel's heart wishes it" he answered, touching his nose to mine.
"Stay... for ever?" I then asked with a sense of longing.
"Now Anya" he replied, smiling lovingly. "I'm afraid to say that... for ever...
"for us, for ever is never long enough."
"I guess... that's how much you love me then?" I asked, a small lopsided smile on my face.
"I love you so much more than you know" he confessed.
"And I love you just as much" I admitted. A few tears overflowed my eyes--I couldn't be happier!! The one man I truly, selflessly loved in this entire world, was here with me again. For always!! Not even 'for ever' was long enough!!
They say that the heart of one who truly loves is warm and kind. I never really understood that... until that very moment.
There wasn't much to be said though as we basked in each other's love. "My beloved angel" Karl whispered against my neck, kissing my scar with love as we held each other tightly. "My dearest Anya... my only love."
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